Some hearts are constantly in kashtam (mushkil). I cannot think of a suitable word in English really. How does one translate manasu kashtam. Manasu = Heart. Kashtam = Troubled? Difficult? Complicated?
For some reason in an absurdly feverishly cloudy mood. Rustic heart. Suitable song for the moment.
Sometimes I look at what I blog here, and think – oh my god, what a pseud. Whatever happened to it? The reason I chose to blog under my real name was that it naturally made me cautious. I wouldn’t say stuff here that I cannot say in a room full of people. Which is good really. It’s kept me out of falling into the trap of saying something without thinking about it. Anonymity is a delusion really.
And then on other days, I wish I was anonymous. A random handle picked in a moment of sheer inspiration or desperation. That I could somehow say all that I want to say without connecting it all to my name or my identity. Or maybe partial anonymity. Where some people know who you are, and you aren’t rabid about telling people what your name is, but the connection isn’t all that obvious.
On some days, I am forced to ask myself that. Is this blog some sort of a giant PR tool? Is there any semblance left of me here anyway?
PS – This is a rant. Okay? 🙂