I think I am going to get myself a pet monkey. This follows the discovery that no matter how much your spouse/ lover adores you, they only put up with a limited number of scratch-my-back requests. You can emotionally blackmail them into longer scratching sessions, but they can be easily distracted by the television or computer.
I’d like to be able to have a monkey that I train to scratch my back with just the right intensity, and with the ability to follow the directions. Like “A little to the left. A little to the right”. Five inches to the North-West. A monkey should be able to do that. All for a few bananas. No?